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Changed to audraeverafter... I know I change a lot, but hey, if you are interested, add that journal. I needed something new, get rid of all this history baggage stuff.
3 or love me
So I had like this weird, unexpected epiphany last night about Aaron and I. For today, at least, I'm at a much better place in accepting timeapart/breakup thing. I just was like, well, there's got to be someone for me. If it's Aaron, then it's Aaron, and things will work out to be back together. But if it's not, then I will find someone, someday, who will be ALL the things that I dream of, not just MOST of the things. Aaron was all the things at first, but he lapsed a lot of them. Plus there are some things that he did during our relationship that my dream person would NEVER do and one would be allow an ex to talk to them in a sexy-sexy way while in a long-term relationship.

I am in more of a que sera sera place.

But I hate being single. It's not that I NEED someone to complete me or anything. I have fun by myself and enjoy my alone time. But I am a cuddle-girl, a love-romantic girl, and I hate not having that. I am strong enough not to just throw myself into the arms of someone to get that, but I wish I could have it sooner than later.

I just don't know if my perfect guy even EXISTS, at least not at my age. This is the description of me on the okcupid site and it sounds just like me:

The Sonnet
Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer (DGLDf)

Romantic, hopeful, and composed. You are the Sonnet. Get it? Composed?

Sonnets want Love and have high ideals about it. They're conscientious people, caring & careful. You yourself have deep convictions, and you devote a lot of thought to romance and what it should be. This will frighten away most potential mates, but that's okay, because you're very choosy with your affections anyway. You'd absolutely refuse to date someone dumber than you, for instance.

Lovers who share your idealized perspective, or who are at least willing to totally throw themselves into a relationship, will be very, very happy with you. And you with them. You're already selfless and compassionate, and with the right partner, there's no doubt you can be sensual, even adventurously so.

You probably have lots of female friends, and they have a special soft spot for you. Babies do, too, at the tippy-top of their baby skulls.

ALWAYS AVOID: The 5-Night Stand, The False Messiah, The Hornivore, The Last Man on Earth

CONSIDER: The Loverboy

It so perfectly describes me, but really, how often does the loverboy type exist?
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Not a bad day with my family today. I got about $200 worth of clothes, but sale stuff, so not bad: 1 pair jeans, 1 brown corduroy jacket, 3 sweaters, 3 button downs. Not bad, right?

We went to breakfast and dinner.

My mom said I get a graduation present once her check is put in the bank. I am curious to know what it is. It is bigger than I thought if she needs a second check to be put in the bank---I am shocked but pleasingly so.

Nervous about graduation tomorrow. And my final that is on Monday. My three finals on Tuesday/Wednesday aren't as big of a deal---I can get 60-70s on them and still get the C to pass the class for the major, which means nothing to worry about. But I need to get an A on the one on Monday. I feel decent, I just have a few articles to read left, but I felt confident last time and did worse than ever :( I'm really trying to pick out key terms and stuff this time, so we'll see. Wish me super piles of luck.

Also have Christmas shopping for family + Grace + (Aaron? Obviously not something like I WAS going to get, but maybe something smaller) + any other friends that maybe maybe maybe I can afford to do. I got my present for my Secret Santa. Leather gloves. Hope they fit. Not too concerned, turns out the girl that annoyed me a little because she seemed to think she was better than us fellow workers (even though she's been there the least amount of time) and DEFINITELY uses a patronizing tone with consumers... Well, she's also had other incidents of bitchiness that make me not concerned as much. I mean, I'd love for her to like it, and I love giving gifts, but if she doesn't, my heart certainly won't break.
2 or love me
I got an A in WRT 102.

Studying for my finals is REALLY REALLY REALLY hard. Hard to concentrate, but even harder to care.

Things with Aaron are the same, only I think my hopes are getting up too much. He is thinking, we are hanging out a ton, and I guess I would classify us as apart but talking. I don't really see why we would NOT get back together, IF he grows up and stuff---acknowledges his feelings, realizes what he wants in life, finishes playing around. We are still getting along wonderfully for the most part, there is still attraction, and he is still the only person that I can 100% be myself around.

His friend Ashley has some girl calling her and telling her she's a bitch-slut. I told him maybe he needs to realize what type of person has SEVERAL girls who do not know each other AT ALL thinking she is a bitch-slut, tries to talk romantic to an engaged guy while she has a boyfriend, and plays "friends" for 8 years without ever even THINKING about coming to visit you.

But he has to realize all that on his own. Part of the growing up business. We'll see what happens. I tried signing up for eharmony.com, just to see, as part of the "Could I even get over this?" experiment and it said that I am ummatchable by their system. Le sigh.

Also, my family is officially here. Makes me feel nervous and sick to my stomach. I have a whole life here that they just aren't a part of really (which is probably not the best thing int he world) and I just don't feel like dealing iwth it. This is like Audra-world, I'd like it to stay that way. I certainly do NOT want to talk about things with Aaron and I, because if I say that we're talking, suddenly everyone will think I'm staying because of that, if I don't say it, I'm lying, I don't know, blah!
3 or love me
I'm still alive! I promise. Things are insane, though, and I probably won't update till sometime next week---or even the week after. Eventually I will catch up on everything, though :)
1 or love me
Take the first sentence from the first post of each month of 2005. This is your year in review.

January: "It's been a while since I updated!"
February: "I am becoming more and more liberal, more and more left everyday."
March: "My News Updates for the Day... I swear I should get a newsblog where everyone reads me to find out what's up."
April: "I've decided to make this a lot more icons and a lot less entries."
May: "I love The O.C"
June: "I dunno where my cute little fiance went... We fought (grrr!) and I fell asleep and he left."
July: "Today is Raw Day 1."
August: "So I had dyed my hair back to brown, but due to the massive bleaching earlier this year and summer sun, it is fading back to blonde..."
September: "Well, what a week!"
October: "So I put in an application for a car loan for a 2004 Toyota Echo."
November: "Never-ending drama... My mom NEVER calls my grandparents, but apparently my decision was enough to have her call them."
December: "I am falling apart."

There are a few in there that really get at the heart of my year. OThers are blah.
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I haven't updated because my internet was down for a bit.

I am very tense. I am almost done with WRT 102; there are just 2 classes left to attend and that's it. POL 372 TA-ing is almost finished too, just tonight + hosting one more review session. I am halfway done with studying for POL 216, semi-quarterly through POL 305, and nada through POL 323.

My apartment is a disaster, I haven't had time / desire to super-clean like it needs. I really need to before next weekend because I'll be getting enough of a hard time from my mom without my apartment being a mess.

Add the tension of my mom, cleaning, finals, budgeting (things are going to be really tight this month), and everything with Aaron... It's a bit much!!! :( It makes me just want to veg out in front of the TV, but that puts me more behind in my tasks and then I get even more tense.

Aaron-wise, he didn't call any on Tuesday or Wednesday, which actually made me angry. He was all like no I haven't had time to think, I've been hanging out with you, and I was all like YOU wanted to hang out with me. SO today I was like have you missed me and he was all like a little and I'm all angry still. He is going to call me tonight, if he doesn't then oh well, but if he does, we may have to talk. I didn't want to pressure him and I still don't, but I am also not a friend-of-convenience, or any of that.

Today is goign to suck. This week has gone on so long. I have class from 350 to 640, then work from 7 to overnight, then waking up at 530. Then when I come back here tomorrow, I have to STUDY STUDY STUDY!!!!!! and Clean. A LOT for both.
2 or love me
Some great news finally!

Not about me and Aaron. That situation is still up in the air.

However, someone at my work went out on disability (which makes me sad), but the bright side is that I can take two of her shifts, plus coming in early on Monday and Tuesday, and make more than enough money to stay here, keep the apartment that I love, and have some cushion. That would put me at about $2400 - $2700 (after taxes) each month, which about $600 - $900 more than I need for groceries, gas, car, insurance, credit cards, and rent all combined!

It means that in January, my schedule will look like this:

Monday: 6 - Overnight
Tuesday: 6 - Overnight
Wednesday: Off
Thursday: 1030P - Overnight
Friday: 1030P - Overnight
Saturday: 1030P - Overnight
Sunday: 2:30P - Overnight

It gives me plenty of Audra-time, and, if the time comes, time to work on the relationship---there is an okay to good amount of gap between our schedules. Of course, if things worked out, I wouldn't need to work quite so much, though it would probably be good to save up some money and as a just-in-case.

Relationship-wise, I am TRYING to prepare for the worst, but I am such an optimism-grabber... The thing is that the only difference in how he is acting towards me is not saying "I love you" or "Honey" and not kissing/etc. So it makes it harder! He is now calling it "taking time apart to think" which is great (well, obviously not great, but the good part is that in a matter of five dyas it went from being "100% sure we're broken up and this is what I want" to "taking time apart to think.") I've never done time apart, I don't know what I can do to speed up the process. I am hoping that this is just something we have to go through for him to finish growing up (because, really, he only started growing up recently) and realize that he isr ready for this and wants this.

Unfortunately for me, I am way too into that idea and it is so hard to accept that maybe that won't happen. Maybe time will make that part easier, because I can see maybe what sort of direction thigns are going? I just don't want to end up in some weird man's version of the "friend zone."

Also, I decided that I will be going to Aaron's family party. I will also be looking my absolute most gorgeous that I can possibly look and act as most charming as I possibly can to show his fellow guy friends and staff that implying or advising Aaron in any way that single-life is better or people-break-up-all-the-time is a negative, because Aaron will never get anyone as good as me. I love Aaron to death, he's my panda, but he is not exactly the type of guy that gets girls lined up around the block --- 26, still living at home, makes about $23,000/year before overtime, never finished college, and is unhealthily overweight (we were both going to start a diet at the same time post-Thanksgiving, I need to remind him to still get on it). You don't get to know all the charming, loving, fun, good sides of him until after you get past that other stuff, and I'd say that about 95% of the girls in the world have a hard time getting past that stuff.

Scholastically-wise, writer's block has struck on my paper and I just can't seem to get my thoughts out for it. I am not perfectly caught up on all my work, but I am not TOO-TOO far behind, thanks to Thanksgiving weekend. I really need to buckle down, but it's hard! My mind is in 800 different places at once right now. And none of them are on the classes that I hate, dislike, loathe, etc. I am not TOO worried, except for POL 216 and POL 330 because I may have to miss the review session & I'm not sure if she is handing out the tests in advance that date or not. I am going to go on Tuesday to the class hopefully and discuss it with her. This week is going to be hectic, with several MUST-ATTEND classes, so much schoolwork, trying to work enough to pay for rent in January (I have JUST enough hours thanks to the crappy fact that I have to go home for Christmas---going home isn't crappy, but losing 40 hours of work is!), trying to work things out with Aaron, and getting together stuff for graduation! I need to make out a week-long schedule, that should make me feel better!

Ergh, so I just called my mom to tell her that I wanted to stay and she just flipped out over everything--the fact that my apartment is month-to-month with no lease (which like 90% of the affordable apartments on Long Island are), the fact that I don't want to come home to live and save money, and the fact that "I'm staying in a place where the only reason I went was for a man that doesn't want to be with me anymore." Which A) Is not true, I wanted to come North -- or, at the VERY LEAST, AWAY FROM HOME since I was like 12. And B) with or without Aaron, I have other friends here. I have coworkers here. I have a job I love and that loves me. I can get NYS residency in order to go to the SBU School of Social Work. She expects me to move back in with her for the next seven months so I can "save every penny." But I would be MISERABLE. With or without Aaron, I'm not happy when I stay at home on vacations. I wasn't happy living there before I met Aaron---thus the wanting to move away from home aspect. She is always saying that I need to be grown up and independent and everything---I want to and she BLAH!

PLUS---what if I moved back home, only to discover that I have to take one more class for graduation because something or another didn't go through??? STONY BROOK LOVES TO DO THAT KIND OF STUFF! I'd have to move all the way back here, without my apartment, back into a dorm, hauling all my stuff around. Annoying as hell. I am FINALLY settled somewhere, can't I just be settled for a little while?

What really pisses me off is that she's like I can't support you when you're away from home. I don't expect her to support me. But if I was at home, she wouldn't mind paying for my car or my insurance (she even told me I wouldn't have to look for a job right away), she wouldn't mind paying for my food or gas, she wouldn't mind any of it. Now she is even going to take away the $200 that I have been getting from her for food and stuff every month for the past THREE YEARS, that she obviously doesn't NEED. I understand if she wants to take it away, but ONLY if I stay in New York? It's fucking bribery or blackmail or something and that is what pisses me off. I don't NEED her money---like I said, beginning in January, I'll be making more than enough... The month of January will be a little tight, but Aaron said that if I really really need help, he may be able to help me some since he kind of left me in the lurch (of course, my dream is that he would be moved back in by then, haha). But after that, I'd have extra. And if it came down to it, I could a) move out to a cheaper place or b) get some silly part-time grocery store job that would give me an extra $400 or so a month. Her blackmailing me just makes me want to stay here even more!

She also got mad that I don't tell her every single thing---like the apartment, I didn't tell her I was moving in until AFTER we moved my stuff. BUT THIS IS WHY I DO NOT TELL HER. I don't feel like dealing with the "disappointment" tone and the "well, it's your decision but you're making a sucky one that makes me really angry" and the whole practically "I'm going to cut you off!" thing.
2 or love me
So Aaron is moving his stuff out.

The bright side is that he's not sure this is the end.

The down side is that he's not sure that this is not the end.

He says he needs some time away from me to think about it all, to analyze, but that he still wants to hang out, like hang out-hang out, not just saying that hang out. He said he doesn't know if the feelings can come back or that, if we were to try again right now, he would want to marry me down the road.

I just don't understand how you go from wanting to marry someone to NOT wanting to marry someone. It's like a huge big life-changing turnaround.

Everyone tells me I just need to go out and find a rebound, but I don't want to.

I want this to work out. I want him to wake up next week (I know I've said this, but I still want it) and be like omgican'tbelievei'mdoingthis.

I just wish I knew what to do to help him see. Or that I could see into the future and know what is going to happen. Everything would be easier.

I sent him home with all the letters that he's written me over the years. He promised to read them. He needs memories. Right now, he only seems to remember the problematic days.

Le sigh, again!
1 or love me
Blah, this is so hard. I have to go to work today, because I really need the money if I want to stay. But I just want to sit around and watch FRIENDS and do nothing. My stomach is jumpy and I feel sick, I don't know if I can do this. I just can't get over the fact. All I ever wanted, once Aaron and I were together, were for us to work, because it felt right and like it SHOULD work and like this is how things SHOULD be. SIGH SIGH SIGH SIGH SIGH. I don't have a clue how to get over this...
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